Chibi Hellsing Moments
by Aaronxz
Summary: Random moments in the lives of the Hellsing characters.
1. Chibi Hellsing Moments Chapter 1

CHAPTER 1  
  
These are quick "Hellsing" moments, they are in script format because they  
were originally designed to be made into comics.  
  
Celes: Walks by Alucard sniffing the air Um...no offense master but you  
stink  
Alucard: What?  
Celes: Oh man when was the last time you changed your clothes?  
Alucard: By "Change your clothes" you mean regenerate them after a fight,  
right?  
Celes: -- No. Grabs his arm Come on were gonna go get some new clothes  
and in the meantime we need to get rid of your old ones.  
Alucard: What! No way your not throwing my old clothes away.  
Celes: Oh I know, I know, I wasn't planning on throwing them away.  
Alucard: Oh...well good.  
Celes: Wispering Cremation is more of what I had in mind.

Integral: Picks up the phone on her desk Hello?.....no my fridge is not  
running...I see well thank you for your concern. Sigh Alucard! Get in  
here!  
Alucard: Comes in thru the wall Yes master?  
Integral: Hands him a piece of paper We have a 307 at this address, you  
know what to do  
Alucard: Yes master Leaves with Celes  
Integral: Remember kids, never play prank phone calls. It's just not  
nice. And you never know the person on the other end of the line might just  
have caller ID and an all powerful vampire working for them.  
  
Integral: Has fifty Vatican "Not bomb" letters all over her desk -- That  
does it!  
--At Vatican headquarter--  
Maxwell: Is sitting at his desk doing paperwork  
Anderson: Hey boss this just came in. Hands him a letter It's from  
Hellsing  
Maxwell: Laughs She even wrote "not bomb" on it. Aw she's trying to make  
me feel better, well let's see what she has to say. Opens the letter  
Anderson: Well what does it say?  
Maxwell: It says "Ok I lied"  
Anderson Maxwell: oo  
Maxwell's office blows up  
  
Celes: Knocks on Helena's door  
Helena: GO Away!  
Celes: Please I just need to talk to you...are you alright?  
Helena: Yes I'm fine. I just ran into a little...legal trouble recently  
that's all.  
Celes: Oh what happened?  
Helena: Mumbles something  
Celes: What?  
Helena: Opens up the door and holds up a backpack I said I HAVE TO GO  
FINISH ELEMENTARY SCHOOL ALRIGHT!  
--Two weeks later--  
Celes: Helena I just dropped by to see how your first week of school  
was.  
Helena: What? Oh yes that. I graduated.  
Celes: WHAT! That fast?!  
Helena: My dear child, one does not go about reading for centuries without  
learning a thing or two.  
Celes: So you graduated High School?  
Helena: Yes...well it was more along the lines of getting a masters degree  
in science from Harvard but yeah you get the idea.  
  
Integral: Is randomly shooting in the shooting gallery  
Alucard: What are you doing?  
Integral: Bullet art. You know where you shoot a piece of paper and the  
bullet holes make a picture  
Alucard: Okaaaay  
Integral: Well what do you think so far?  
Alucard: I think I'm not sure what disturbs me more, the fact that your  
doing the Mona Lisa or the fact that it's in color.  
  
Random Evil vampire: Has Integral cornered in a dark alley  
Integral: Hmph stupid beast. ALUCARD!  
--Nothing happens--  
Integral: Ahem. I said! ALUCARD!  
REV: Aww how pathetic. Calling on your little pet vampire.  
Integral: Alucard I swear if you don't show up by the time I count to three  
I'm gonna...  
Alucard: Suddenly appears dressed in a towel and covered in soap suds  
Geez! Can't I take a quick shower every once in a while!?  
Integral: Err Points to a yellow thing in his hand Is that a rubber duck?  
Alucard: .....Yeah....what's your point

Integral: Picks up the phone on her desk Yes...oh hello Prime  
Minister...blood drive? What blood...oh I see. Yes I'll take care of it,  
thank you. Hangs up ALUCARD!  
Alucard: Is out on the lawn in behind a lemonade stand with "blood drive"  
written on the sign.  
  
Celes: Walks around the mansion with her hair sticking up all over the  
place  
Integral: Why is here hair like that.  
Alucard: No reflection remember.  
Integral: How come your hair never looks like that?  
Alucard: Cause my hair looks good messy.  
Integral: And because you can control you appearance at will?  
Alucard: Yeah, that to.  
  
Celes: Sir Integral. What did you think of those anime DVD's I lent you.  
Integral: Well, I didn't have much time to watch them but from what I've  
seen the plots are quite interesting, but I have one problem with anime in  
general.  
Celes: Oh what's that?  
Integral: These Bishonen people! It's so hard to figure out if they're a boy  
or a girl. Oh well at least we don't have to deal with that in real life.  
Celes: Err yeah Thinking Have you looked in a mirror lately.  
  
Alucard: Hey Celes wanna go sky diving?  
Celes: You? Skydiving?  
Alucard: Sure.  
Celes: Why not I've always wanted to try it at least once.  
Alucard and Celes leave  
Integral: Does Celes know that Alucard doesn't use a parachute when sky  
diving?  
Walter: No I don't believe so, do you want me to go stop her?  
Integral: No, don't bother. Just make sure there's a clean up crew at the  
landing area.

Alucard: Walks past Integral with a big grin on his face  
Integral: Alright what are you up to?  
Alucard: Whatever do you mean master.  
Integral: You've got that 'I'm up to no good' look on your face.  
Alucard: Oh that. I've finally made a break thru in teacher Celes how to use  
her vampiric powers.  
Integral: Oh?  
Alucard: In fact I'm testing a new method of teacher her to phase thru  
things right now.  
Integral: Right well, carry on then...I guess.  
-In Celes's room"  
Celes: In locked in her "Coffin" MASTER! Let me out of this bloody thing  
right now!  
  
Celes and Integral: Are standing in a line, a very LONG line  
Integral: I hate it when they do that.  
Celes: Do what?  
Integral: Points over to where Alucard, Walter, and Anderson are standing  
in the "Over 50 seniors line"  
  
-Vampire slaying method one-  
Stab thru the heart with a wooden stake  
Anderson: Pokes Alucard with a toothpick  
-Vampire slaying method two-  
Use silver weapon-  
Anderson: Throws silverware at Alucard  
-Vampire slaying method three-  
Splash them with holy water  
Anserson: Squirts Alucard with a squirt gun  
-Vampire slayer slaying method-  
Shoot them several times with a large gun  
Alucard: Points gun at Anderson Anderson: God I hate budget cuts.

Celes: Holds up a piece of paper WooHoo!  
Alucard: What is that?  
Celes: I won the contest! I win a million dollors!  
Alucard: Err  
Celes: I'm gonna buy a house and a car and a blood bank and a puppy  
and...  
Alucard: Celes can you see that ticket?  
Celes: I guess Hands it to him  
Alucard: Celes I have rather bad news.  
Celes: What?  
Alucard: Points to the spot on the ticket that reads "Void if winner is  
deseased"  
Celes: Passes out  
Integral: Pokes Celes You killed her.  
Alucard: Again?  
  
Alucard: Walks into Integrals office full of bullet holes  
Integral: Doesn't that hurt?  
Alucard: No, I don't feel pain anymore.  
Integral: Raises an eyebrow Really? Kicks him between the legs  
Alucard: Falls over  
Integral: Hmm guess you were wrong.


	2. Chibi Hellsing Moments Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2  
  
-In the scene where Integrals is pinned down for Incognito's ceremony-  
Integral: What are you doing  
Incognito: Random chanting  
Integral: Are you trying to summon a demon from hell?  
Incognito: Hangs over Integral I'm going to violate your being in every  
possible way.  
Integral: Looks down at a certain missing portion of Incognito's anatomy  
Um...how exactly?  
  
Alucard: Walks into Integrals office stuck full of Anderson's swords with a  
porcupine nuzzling his leg  
Integral: 0.0  
Alucard: Not one word  
Integral: Falls over laughing  
Alucard: -- I hate you  
  
Integral: Yawns and climbs into bed Finally I haven't been able to get a  
full days() sleep in weeks. Turns off the light  
Alucard: Drifts in a few minutes later with a can of shaving cream and a  
feather  
Integral: ZZZZZZZ  
Alucard: Leans over her  
Integral: Points her gun at Alcuard You have BETTER have a good reason for  
waking me up.  
() It could be presumed that someone who hunts vampires all night as their  
line of work would be nocturnal themselves.  
  
Alucard: Shoots off Andersons arms  
Anderson: Comes running at him with the blade in his mouth  
Alucard: Shoots the blade away just before he get's stabbed  
Anderson: Why you!  
Alucard: What you going to do? Bite me to death?  
Anderson:.... Bites Alucards neck  
Alucard:Dies of irony poisoning

Celes: Master you know how your always saying humans are inferior to  
vampires?  
Alucard: Of course.  
Celes: Well isn't it true that vampire systems can only handle blood?  
Alcuard: Well yeah, but it's all we ever need so it doesn't matter.  
Celes: Grabs him by the collar All we need? Ever heard of a thing called  
chocolate?  
  
Integral: Knocks over her salt shaker as she eats and spills some salt  
Oops. Sigh I hate being superstitious but...  
Alucard: Walks by behind her

Integral: Picks up some of the saltSalt, salt as you fly. Hit the devil in  
the eye. Throws the salt behind her  
Alucard: Get's hit by the salt in the face Are you trying to imply  
something master?  
  
Celes: Picks up a fork to toy with her uneatable steak and kidney pie  
-Large explosion-  
Celes: Charred -- Ok who gave me the silver utensils  
  
Integral: Alucard there's something I need to ask you.  
Alucard: Yes master?  
Integral: It has to do with your vampiric...biology  
Alucard: Grinning Oh I see.  
Integral: Well...the thing is it's kind of embarrassing but...  
Alucard: Don't worry Master just ask.  
Integral: Well...if your sure. Draws closer to Alucard  
Alucard: Oh believe me I am. Grins  
Integral: . Do vampires go to the bathroom?  
Alucard: Facefoults  
  
Alucard: Knocks on the front door to the Millennium groups base  
Doc: Answers the door Yes? Oh hello Alucard. Can I help you?  
Alucard: Can Rip come out and fight to the death or something?  
Doc: Sorry Alucard she's sleeping right now.  
Alucard: Again? Every time I come over here she's sleeping!  
Doc: Shrugs Where do you think the legend came from?

Doctor: (Not Doc just some hospital person) Alright Integral I'm going to  
take your blood pressure now.  
Integral: Alright Holds out arms and has the cuff put on  
Doctor: Starts to pump and watches the silver thermometer on the wall Hmm  
120/80...150/90...200/100...400/200 Wall instrument blows up  
Integral: Sorry about that, always happens every time  
Doctor: Don't worry I'm prepared.  
Integral: Oh?  
Doctor: Presses button on intercom Hello front desk.  
Secretary: Yes? May I help you?  
Doctor: Could you bring me my...err instrument from the car...the one that  
looks like a tire pressure gauge.  
Secretary: Integral again?  
Doctor: Yeah  
Integral: --  
  
-In the last scene of the Hellsing anime-  
Alucard: Crushes the glass So, have you thought about my offer?  
Integral: Smiles and takes a taste of the blood  
Alucard: So, how do you feel?  
Integral: Refreshed. By the way are you away that you bleed tomato juice?  
Alucard:...Ok, let's try that again.  
  
Random vampire: FIRE!  
Ghoul army: Shoots Alucard till he's a puddle on the ground  
Random Vampire: Good. Now some of you idiots go clean up that mess.  
Ghouls: Start to mop up the Alucard puddle with a bucket and mop  
Alucard: Oh, ouch come on, no, not bleach!  
-Later-  
Alucard: Walks into the Hellsing manor with white splotches all over his  
coat -- Nobody ask!

Celes: Integral can I ask you something  
Integral: Alright  
Celes: Are you a natural blonde?  
Integral: -- Shoots her  
Alucard: Comes up behind her Well are you?  
Integral: Shoots him  
Walter: Comes in a side door I've actually been wondering that myself.  
Integral: Let me get this straight all of you can either survive or dodge  
bullets right?  
Alucard: Yeah pretty much, why?  
Integral: Pulls out a spare gun I just don't want to have to feel guilty  
later.  
  
Alucard: Before we fight I need to ask you something.  
Anderson: What?  
Alucard: Will you say "Their after me lucky charms"? Pleeeeeaaaaase!  
Anderson: No!  
  
Anderson: Walks into Maxwells office Hey boss what's up.  
Maxwell: Oh nothing much, I just got a new yaoi tape.  
Anderson: You..watch that?  
Maxwell: Yeah.  
Anderson: Walks out  
Maxwell: 0.0 Was it something I said?  
-Later in Integrals office-  
Integral: What are you doing here Paladin Anderson?  
Anderson: Um...I was just wondering if you were hiring?  
(Ok, Ok I KNOW that the head of a catholic organization would not watch yaoi but it was the only thing I could think of that might make Anderson switch jobs)

Integral: Alucard get in here NOW  
Alucard: Pops up out of nowhere Yes?  
Integral: Shoots him  
Alcuard: What was THAT for?  
Integral: You know what it was for, don't try it again.  
Alucard: Fine, but I think your over reacting.  
Integral: That is your opinion, now leave.  
Alucard: Tch Disapears  
Walter: What did he do anyway?  
Integral: Oh I have now idea, but Alucards always up to something. So I just  
do that when I need to relieve some stress.  
  
Alucard: Before we fight I need to ask you something  
Anderson: What?  
Alucard: You carry around swords, stick them into innocent people just  
because they happen to work for a rival agency. You curse regularly and have  
necromantic messages written on your gloves and they STILL made you a  
priest?  
  
Alucard: Shoots Anderson point blank range in the head  
Anderson: Falls over  
Alucard: HAHAHAH ......0.0 Huh?  
Anderson: Get's up and a 1 appears over his head  
Alucard: -- Ok who's been playing Final Fantasy?  
  
Alucards Mother from 600 years ago: ALUCARD! Get out of bed right now!  
Chibi Alucard: -- I can't wait till I outgrow that.  
-600 years later-  
Integral: ALUCARD!  
Alucard: -- I can't wait till I outgrow that.  
  
-In the scene where Celes dreams about Paul drinking someone's blood-  
Paul: Bites the girl he has in his arms and a river of blood swamps the  
floor towards Celes  
Celes: Hey could you hold on a sec Runs off  
Paul: What the?  
Celes: Comes back wearing a bathing suit and water wings Ok continue.  
  
-When Walter comes back to find Integral has released Alucard-  
Chibi Integral: Is standing behind Alucard Err Walter, you remember that  
one room with the scary design on it that you told me to never go into...I  
sort of had to go into it  
Walter: It's alright Miss Integral, well Alucard you looking good all things  
considered.  
Alucard: Yeah, and your looking...err...not as wrinkled as I thought you  
would look like.  
Walter: -- Slices him up with wire

Chibi Integral: 0.0 Oooh I didn't know you could do that Walter.


	3. Chibi Hellsing Moments Chapter 3

CHAPTER 3  
  
Integral: We've just had a new pool installed and you two are welcome to use  
it  
Celes: Oh no, I'm not a good swimmer at all. I nearly drowned the last time  
I tried.  
Alucard: Police girl, you do realize that you don't actually need to breath  
anymore right?  
Celes: ! Let's go Runs off with Alucard  
Walter: Comes in Well the blessing on the new holy water tank just  
finished.  
Integral: Wait...you mean that's not a pool and the entire thing is filled  
with holy water?  
Walter: Yes, why do you ask?  
Integra; Oh...no reason...  
  
Alcuard: Holds up an IV pack Blood! It does the body good.  
Celes: Holds up a sign that reads "This has been a public service  
announcement."  
Integral: You call THAT a public service announcement?  
Alucard: Well technically we didn't lie, did we?  
  
Alucard: Has gun pointed at Integral and Anderson  
Celes: Has Halconen pointed at Anderson  
Integral: Has gun pointed at Maxwell and Alucard  
Maxwell: Has gun pointed at Integral  
Anderson: Has swords pointed at Alucard and Celes  
Integral: Alucard why do we have weapons pointed at each other?  
Alucard: Perhaps the author wanted to portray the animosity that come  
between us at times.  
Integral: Oh...I thought it was because they just knew how much I'd like to  
shoot you.  
Celes: .......um  
Alcuard: What is it?  
Celes: Is sort of have to go to the bathroom.  
Everyone: Sweatdrop  
(Yes I got the idea for this from the poses so popular at Otakon where the  
Hellsing cosplayers stand in a group and point their weapons at each other.)  
  
Alucard: Master why won't you become a vampire, I'm offering you power to  
rule the Hellsing organization better.  
Integral: Yeah right. I'll allow you to bite me when pigs fly.  
Celes: Walks by with a flying pig on a leash  
Alucard: Evil grin  
Celes: Hey Master look It's aviating pork.  
  
Random Hellsing soldier: Sir Integral may I speak to you?  
Integral: Yes, what is it?  
RHS: We have a problem in the shooting range. You see we were supposed to  
get a new shipment of those man shaped targets but the shipments late. We've

already shot the targets we had into bits.  
Integral: I see. ALUCARD!  
Alucard: Pops up out of no whereSorry Master, I don't deal with petty  
human problems like late deliveries.  
Integral: Don't worry I had something else in mind.  
-At the shooting gallery  
Random Hellsing soldiers: Are shooting at Alucard  
Alucard: Chained to the wall and full of bullet holes  
  
Celes: Is sitting in her room playing a video game  
Alcuard: Celes! Please tell me your not wasting your time playing that silly  
human game.  
Celes: Yup  
Alucard: What is the game about? Some sport? Or maybe one of those fantasy  
games?  
Celes: Nope.  
Alucard: Wide eyes Did you just...wait...can people actually blow up that way?  
Celes: In this game they do.  
Alucard: Sits down next to her Let me play.  
Celes: Hands him the controller  
  
Celes: Hey Helena.  
Helena: Sigh What is it?  
Celes: Out of curiosity once you finish all your books what are you going to  
do then?  
Helena: Hmm...never thought of that. Do you have any suggestions.  
Celes: Be right back.  
Helena: ???  
Celes: Shows up with a play station and a big screen TV  
-Later-  
Celes: Is playing against Helena  
Helena: And now for the coup de grace.  
Celes: I don't speak old English you know.  
Helena: It basically means I'm about to kick your butt  
-Even later-  
Helena: I liked those games! So much plot and so short a book.  
Celes: And next week I can teach you about the internet!  
  
Anderson: Your going to die this time vampire!  
Alucard: Uh huh...  
Anderson: I'm going to rip out your heart, then cut you in half, then rip of  
your head and then I'll...  
Alucard: Kill me?  
Anderson: I'm getting to that!  
  
Anderson: At a blood drive donating blood I always do my part for  
charity  
-Later-  
Alucard: Looks at the name on his latest meal and dies of irony poisoning  
again


	4. Chibi Hellsing Moments Chapter 4

CHAPTER 4  
  
This is a Chibi Hellsing Moments Christmas special. Hope you enjoy  
  
Celes: Well I sent my list to Santa, what did you ask for Master?  
Alucard: Tch I don't take part in that stupid Holiday and I certainly don't  
send letters asking for charity from a fat guy in a red suit.  
Celes: Oh come on Master where's your Christmas spirit.  
Alucard: Under control art lock restriction along with the rest of my spirits  
and familiars.  
Celes: Come on master! Please just send Santa a small note.  
Alucard: Tch fine Scribbles "I want guns and O negative blood." on a piece  
of paper and gives it to her. There.  
Celes: Ok...I guess that counts. Goes off to mail it  
-Later-  
Alucard: -In his room- Pulls out a huge ten foot long list Let's see....a  
puppy with only two eyes, a pint of Integrals blood, Silver bullet  
clips....Yeah I think I thought of everything. Stick the list in an  
envelope and puts it in the mail. Ok big guy, come thru for me.  
  
Celes: Good day Integral, I'm going to bed early. I can't wait for the  
big guy in the red coat to get here.  
Integral: But Alucard is already in his...  
Celes: SANTA  
Integral: Oh right sorry.  
  
Integral: Celes I must warn you to stay away from the tree on Christmas.  
I'll have to hand the presents to you.  
Celes: Why?  
Integral: Alucard is very fond of trying to sneak presents early on  
Christmas because he needs so much less sleep then the rest of us. So this year  
I've made the tree vampire proof.  
Celes: How did you do that.  
Integral: Smiles Oh I just hired a special decorator. Don't worry if you  
should happen to see him, he's under special treaty.  
Celes: Huh? Looks into the room with the tree  
Anderson: Is decorating the tree with hundreds of blessed silver crosses  
  
Alucard: Is standing looking up at a huge tree in the Hellsing mansions  
main lobby (Not the one with silver crosses this one is just for  
decoration)  
Integral: Alucard what are you doing?  
Alucard: What? I'm not allowed to bask in the light and warmth of a  
Christmas tree like anyone else.  
Integral: Considering you're a vampire who hates light and doesn't have body  
heat, no I don't believe I trust your basking.  
Alucard: Oh leave me alone, they had Christmas back when I was human to you  
know.  
Integral: Sigh Fine I'm to busy to be looking after you, just don't cause  
any trouble, or I won't give you the present I got you.  
Alucard: Oh? You got me a present? Your to kind master, care to give me a hint?  
Integral: It's red and comes in an IV pack.  
Alucard: -- Gee whatever could it be  
Integral: No idea you'll have to wait and be surprised, besides what else  
would I get you?  
Walter: In another room Sir Integral could you look these reports over?  
Integral: Coming Walter! Walks off  
Alucard: Looks after her till she's gone then smiles and pulls out his  
guns Oh Christmas tree, oh Christmas tree. Your ornaments are history.  
  
Integral: Walter have you seen Alucard, I need to talk to him about  
something.  
Walter: Is looking out the window Yes I've seen him. He's right outside in  
fact.  
Integral: What in gods name is he doing out there?  
Walter: Well actually, he's having a snowball fight.  
Integral: WITH WHO!?  
Walter: Apparently a group of children.  
Integral: What?! Oh no please tell me that some of them are still conscious.  
Walter: Yes some of them are still in the fight but...  
Integral: But nothing tell him to get in here right now.  
Walter: I don't believe he can at the moment.  
Integral: Why not?!  
Walter: He's losing the fight.  
  
Celes: Is building a snowman out on the Hellsing lawn  
Random kid: Walks by singing Frosty the snowman, was a jolly happy soul,  
with a corncop pipe and a button nose and two eyes made out of coal...  
Celes: Frosty huh...I wonder  
-Later-  
Alucard: Walks into Integrals office wearing less then normal clothes  
Integral: 00;  
Alucard: -- I know your upset about the tree but I WANT MY CLOTHES BACK  
Integral: But I didn't...  
Alucard: This isn't funny, I may not have body heat but it's still cold in  
here you know.  
Integral: I'm telling you that I didn't...  
Alucard: Look just give me my clothes back now!  
Integral: But...  
Alucard: NOW!  
Integral: I'm telling you I didn't take your clothes  
Alucard: Oh yeah right! Who else would take them. Walters to mature for a  
trick like that and no one else could get into my room undetected.  
Integral: What about Celes?  
Alucard: Oh yeah right! I can just see her raiding other peoples dresser  
drawers.  
Integral: Never the less I didn't do it.  
Alucard: Will you please just give me back my clothes?  
Integral: I wish I could!  
-Outside-  
Celes: Is dressing her snowman in Alucard's hat and cloak

Walter: Sir Integral this just arrived from The Vatican Hands her a letter  
Integral: Hm Let's see... "In this holiday season it would not be proper to  
indulge in any squabbles between our two agencies. I propose a treaty in  
effect for the rest of December in which out two organizations will for all effects and purpose get  
along." Folds the letter up Sounds good but I'm keeping this as proof.  
Walter: He also sent these with the letter. Holds out a bouquet of yellow  
roses  
Integral: YELLOW ROSES! Slaps Walter  
Walter: 00 Sir Integral!?  
Integral: Oh I'm so sorry Walter! Instinctive reaction you know...  
  
Celes: Is dragging Alucard up a hill with a sled  
Alucard: Celes I'm not sure I want to do this...  
Celes: Your going to sled at least once in your unlife or I'll know the  
reason why.  
Alucard: I've never done this before...  
Celes: That's all the more reason why your going to do it this time Pushes  
him down on the sled and kicks it over the edge of the Hill  
Walter: Comes up behind Celes Well he's certainly gotten up to speed, wow  
look at him go. But isn't he headed right for that...  
Celes: Oh no your right. Master watch out for that...  
Alucard: THUD  
Celes: Tree...  
Walter: Looks around Where is that jungle music coming from?  
  
-Christmas morning-  
Integral: Hands Alucard a box Here's your present from me.  
Alucard: Opens up the box to find five blood packet Yummy.  
Integral: Hold it Alucard. Look at them closely  
Alucard: There's...names written on them. Integral, Walter, Celes, Anderson,  
and Maxwell! Master where did you get these?  
Integral: It took a lot of looking into old blood drive reports and raiding  
hospital vaults.  
Alucard: Thank you! I'll have to try and make these hold out.  
(Ok I know it's not funny per say but it's still cute)  
  
Integral: In her office What is that weird banging?  
Celes: Jumps in the office door and slams it shut behind her  
Integral: What's going on out there?  
Celes: Master's hammering mistletoe to every inch of the ceiling of the  
hallway outside your office.  
Integral: Oh is that all Presses button on her desk  
Alucard: Screams from outside the door  
Celes: What WAS that?  
Integral: Holy water fire sprinklers


	5. Chibi Hellsing Moments Chapter 5

CHAPTER 5  
  
Anderson: Sneaks up behind Alucard and pokes him  
Alucard: Looks around What the...?  
Anderson:Sneaks up on Celes and pokes her  
Celes: Jumps in the air AHH who did that?  
Anderson: Sneaks up on Walter and pokes him  
Walter: Hello?  
Anderson: Sneaks up on Integral and pokes her  
Integral: Alucard if that was you your going to die soon.  
-Later-  
Enricho: Opens up the front door of The Vatican mansion (Or wherever the  
hell he and Anderson stay) Hello.  
Integral: Is standing at the front door with the rest of the organization  
Hello Enricho. We've been checking over some security tapes from around the  
mansion and we'd like to talk to Anderson for a moment.  
  
Celes: Goes into a bar  
Bartender: Sorry miss we missed our last shipment of supplies so I'm afraid  
I don't have much of a selection today  
Celes: Well what do you have?  
Bartender: Tomato Juice.  
Celes: ...no  
Bartender: Bloody Mary  
Celes: -- No  
Bartender: Crimson Kurai()  
Celes: Oh what's that?  
Bartender: Type of wine  
Celes: Ok I'll have that  
Bartender: Gives it to her  
Celes: Drink it Wow I feel much better, I'll have to come back here  
more often.  
Kurai: Comes in from the back room Do you think we should have told her.  
Bartender: Nah  
() To get this joke read my Angel Sanctuary Echo and Narcissus story. Btw  
guess who the bartender is  
  
Integral: Is walking down the street  
Random movie director: You there hold it!  
Integral: . Yes, may I help you...sir  
RMD: Your perfect for our the movie were filming. I want you to be the star.  
Integral: Hmm keep talking  
RMD: Your play the hero, a woman who's tougher then nails and heads a  
vampire hunting organization. What to you think.  
Integral: It will be a case of playing myself....literally.  
-Later-  
Integral: Shoots a vampire who snuck into the mansion Vile creature!  
Cells phone rings  
RMD: Hello? Integral? Did your co-star arrive yet. I sent him over a little  
while back. Sorry if he startled you, but we had to keep him in costume for  
times sake.  
Integral: Was the costume that of a vile bloodthirsty vampire?  
RMD: Yeah that's him, is did he get there yet?  
Integral: ...err please hold...  
  
Anderson: Goes into the orphanage he works at when he's not hunting  
vampires  
Orphans: ALEX! Group glomp  
Anderson: Hello everyone ready for your lessons.  
Orphans: Sure  
Anderson: Alright Passes out books Today were being reading chapters one  
and two of Dante's Inferno ()  
() Dante's Inferno is a book that describes hell and all it's tortures in  
excruciating detail.  
  
Walter: Comes up behind Integral I'm older then you!  
Anderson: Comes up behind Walter I'm older then you! ()  
Hellena: Comes up behind Anderson I'm older then you.  
Alucard: Comes up behind Hellena I'm older then you.  
Washu(): Comes up behind Alucard I'm older then you!!  
Alucard: Looks down at Washu Who the hell are you?  
() Actually I'm not sure who is older, Walter or Anderson. They're very  
close in age. So just bare with me.  
() Washu is a character from Tenchi Muyo who is quite insane and older  
then dirt.  
  
Integral: Goes into the shouting fit you see her do in the opening theme  
and in "Psalm of darkness"  
Alucard: 00 Note to self: Cut of masters supply of expresso  
  
-In the Integral nightmare scene-  
Integral: Is tied to a pole  
Random recruits: Come in with guns  
Integral: -- I don't care if you shoot me but just please stop chewing your  
gum like that.  
RR: Chew chew chew chew  
Integral: Get's woken up by Alucard  
-Later back at the mansion-  
Integral: Goes up to the real RR's  
RR: Oh hello Sir Integral.  
Integral: Punches him in the face  
RR: xx What was that for?  
Integral: Dream therapy.

Alucard: Is fighting Anderson  
Anderson: Throws silver swords...err...silverware at him  
Aluacrd: Pulls out on of the weapons Silver sporks?  
Anderson: Yeah well budget cuts again, you know how it is...


	6. Chibi Hellsing Moments Chapter 6

CHAPTER 6  
  
Chibi Hellsing at Otakon  
  
Warning: There's some good humored Yaoi and Yuri bashing in this chapter. I  
have nothing personal against yaoi or yuri in general, though it's certainly  
not my cup of tea. I'll even admit to reading and watching yaoi and yuri manga and anime and thoroughly enjoying them. However as a satirist I couldn't resist making some of the jokes.  
  
Integral: Sits some papers on her desk Ah at last, vampire new year.  
Get's up and looks out her window Every year during the three day vampire  
new year (which conveniently happens during the three days of Otakon )  
all hostile vampire activity stops. It's a vacation for me and all of us.  
Sits back down in her chair I'll be able to get some R and R. No vampire  
attacks to deal with, No Vatican priests, I can just sit back and relax  
and...and...Leans foreword and bangs her head on her desk Oh god I'm gonna  
be bored out of my mind...  
Celes: Knocks on Integrals door  
Integral: Yes? Come in.  
Celes: I was just wondering if you were feeling alright Sir Integral. Both  
Walter and Alucard seem to be sick. They just keep stumbling around  
aimlessly and muttering.  
Integral: Yes I know. Today starts the three day vampire new year. During  
that time all vampires are bound to perform certain personal rituals. Since  
they have no free time they can't cause problems. This in itself is a good  
thing, however it leaves our organization with nothing to do. Alucard,  
Walter, and myself are not sick, are just bored.  
Celes: Oh I see. But why don't Master and I do the rituals?  
Integral: Alucard must do anything I say, so I simply told him not to bother  
and you as his progeny are exempted as well.  
Celes: So...there days huh?  
Integral: Yes, I suggest you get yourself a hobby or go to sleep or whatever  
it is you do to pass the time.  
Celes: Three days...three day....I'VE GOT IT! Digs thru her bag Behold!  
Otakon! Holds up Otakon advertisement  
Integral: Raises an eyebrow while reading the flyer Anime convention, shopping, video showings,  
panels, and cosplay...hmm...why not! Tell Alucard and Walter that were going  
to be at the opening tomorrow.  
Celes: Solutes Yes Sir!  
  
Integral, Walter, Alucard, and Celes: Are standing in line to get in,  
Alucard and Celes are wearing their sunglasses and trying to stay in the  
shade  
Random Security Guard: I'm sorry miss but I'll have to confiscate those gun  
your group have. They don't have the orange safety tip that marks them as  
toys. I apologize but it is security code.  
Integral: Of course I understand. Hands him her pistol I expect that back  
however.  
RSG: You'll be able to pick it up when you leave.  
RSG2: Looking at Celes's Halconen Holy! How long did it take you to make  
that beast?  
Walter: Actually I made it. It took me over four months.  
RSG2: Well I'll give you one things, you cosplayers sure are devoted.  
Walter: Your too kind...what's a cosplayer?  
RSG: Hey where did that other guy in the red coat go to. We still need his  
gun.  
Integral: Alucard? Where is he?  
Alucard: Is trying to dip his gun in orange paint  
  
Hellsing group: Waiting in line  
-Later-  
Hellsing group: Waiting in line --  
-Later-  
Alucard: We traded three days of sheer boredom for THIS? Well at least we know we got what we paid for.  
Random other Otakon goer: What's with them? We've only been waiting ten  
minutes.  
-Even later-  
Integral: Is sitting against a wall  
Alucard: Looks at her enviously You know I'd sit to but I just know the  
line would move again as soon as I tried.  
Integral: 00 Well then sit boy!  
Random Inuyasha Cosplayers: Fall over  
Integral: What was THAT about?  
  
Integral: Finally were inside.  
Random Fangirl: ALUCARD Runs up and glomps him  
Alucard: . Looks down at her Um...do I know you?  
Fangirl: Walks off  
Alucard: That was odd...  
  
Integral: In the name of God impure souls of the living dead...  
Integral Cosplayer: ...Shall be banished into eternal damnation Amen!  
Integral: Hey that's my line.  
Integral Cosplayer: Well there's no need to hog the role. Your not the only  
Integral here after all.  
Integral: What? Looks around to see that she's surrounded by other  
"Integrals" ALUCARD!  
Alucard: Is surrounded by a swarm of Alucards Give me a minute I'm busy  
right now.  
Celes: Is sitting and watching the whole thing Wonder what's wrong with  
them  
Celes cosplayer A: No idea.  
Celes Cosplayer B: Hey anyone wanna grab some pocky?  
All Celes cosplayers: Ooh me!  
  
Alucard: Walks past the Yaoi pannel Yaoi? Wonder what that is. Goes  
inside  
Anderson: (Yeah he's there to, and for the same reason) Walks past the yaoi  
pannel Hmm Walks in as well  
-In the back of the room-  
Alucard: Oh no the little priest has followed me here.  
Anderson: Shut up vampire! Why don't you go off and perform some petty  
satanic ritual with the rest of your foul kind.

-Both of them get read to fight-  
Announcer in front of the room: Our next picture is a Hentai drawing of the  
popular Alucard x Anderson Hellsing couple. I believe the two gentlemen in the  
back may enjoy this.  
Alucard: Are locked in fierce combat but look up when they hear their names  
and the slide click (You can probably imagine their faces Evil grin)  
-Outside the yaoi room-  
Alucard and Anderson: Both come running out of the room  
Anderson: MY EYES!  
Alucard: Geez not even _I_ could have bent like that.  
-Later-  
Integral: Is randomly walking around and see's Alucard and Anderson walking  
together Ok what's wrong with this picture? Goes up to them Aren't you  
two supposed to be, you know, killing each other or something?  
Anderson: No we just got out of the Yaoi display Shudders  
Alucard: If you need us were going to be scrubbing our eyes out with steel wool and whatever cleaning chemicals we can find.  
-Later-  
Integral: Outside the Yaoi room Now what could have scared Alucard and  
Anderson so badly?  
Panel person outside room: I'm sorry miss but the yaoi panel just finished.  
Integral: Drat  
PP: However, the Yuri panel has just opened in here if you want to see that.  
Integral: Is it anything like Yaoi?  
PP: Well...I suppose you could say that.  
Integral: Fine Goes in  
Celes: Is eating cotton candy and watching the show Oh hi Sir Integral.  
Integral: Celes? What are you doing here?  
Celes: Shrugs I dunno I just got here, I'm trying to look thru all the  
panels. Oh look there's a picture of us. By the way can you actually do that?  
Integral: Looks at the screen 00; WHAT THE BLOODY HELL!?  
-Later-  
Integral: Goes into the room where Alucard and Anderson are err....cleaning  
their vision... Move over you two and pass the windex please.  
  
Celes: Going downstairs to the dealers room with Integral Shopping!  
Shopping! Shopping!  
Integral: I don't see why your so excited. It's probably just some backroom  
shop with a few shelves of over priced manga  
-Both enter the football field sized Dealers Room-  
Celes:  
Integral: 0.0 Someone killed me and sent me to heaven.  
  
Celes: Is standing in line at the food court God look at these prices!  
Master would you pay two whole bucks for a soda.  
Alucard: No, I get paid in blood so I would have no use for it.  
Celes: Oh Pocky!  
Alucard: What?  
Celes: Hmm...five bucks...Oh well it's worth it. It IS pocky after all.  
Alucard: What's so great about it?  
Celes: Feeds him a stick of pocky  
Alucard: Starts to walk off  
Celes: Hey master where are you going?  
Alucard: To discuss a change in my payment plan.  
(Yes I know that technically they can't eat just please bare with  
me, I'm trying to be funny here)  
  
-Quick check on the activity of the Hellsing gang-  
Walter: Is in the Otachan room teaching the chibi's string games.  
Celes: Is carrying sixty bags from the dealers room  
Integral: Is crushing all challengers in the video games room  
Alucard: Is stuffing pocky into his coat  
  
Alucard: Is standing around in the dealers room  
Anderson: Sneaks up on him, then suddenly catches sight of the Katanas on  
display  
Alucard: Turns around I could have sworn I just heard...  
Anderson: Is drooling over the swords  
  
Hellsing gang: Are all sitting down and eating at the food court. (Alucard  
is munching on some pocky that he got...somewhere)  
Anderson: Comes up to the table At last vampire, we meet again. I will  
grind your body into dust, then scatter that dust upon the earth and stomp  
on it, then I will take your dust ridden earth and...  
-Switch to Announcer-  
Announcer: We interrupt this run on sentence to bring the following message.  
Anderson may be at this for quite some time so please use this time wisely.  
Holds up a book Be smart, catch up on your reading.  
-Back to the food court scene-  
Celes: Is reading manga  
Integral: Has set up a sign that says "Back when he shuts up"  
Walter: Is asleep  
Alucard: Has set up a life sized cardboard Alucard cutout  
Celes: How long has he been talking?  
Walter: Yawns and checks watch Five hours give or take.  
Anderson: And once I'm thru with that I'll throw the paper shredder into the  
woodchipper and then bring out my blow torch to...  
  
Celes: In the dealers room pouring over some of the manga Oh I wish I had  
some money to buy this stuff.  
Alucard: Then just grab it.  
Celes: Oh I couldn't do that!  
Alucard: Why not? Your not bound by petty human laws anymore.  
Celes: But there's a guard right over there.  
Alucard: Are you telling me your afraid of some doughnut eating guy in a  
special coat?  
Chibi Vash: Walks by them  
Alucard: . That's not what I meant...  
Celes: And besides I'm more scared of her. Points to the guard who is  
wearing a Matrix trenchcoat, sunglasses, and holding a Katana  
Alucard: Ok I see your point.  
  
Celes: Kicks Alucard  
Alucard: Punches Celes  
Celes: Pulls out Halconen and toasts Alucard  
-CELES WINS-  
Alucard: Is playing Hellsing: The video game. Against a ten year old kid.  
The kid won  
  
Alucard: Is walking with Celes, music notes are in the background  
Celes: Wow who's singing? They're really good!  
Alucard: Let's check the café, that's where they have the karioke  
-Inside the Karioke room-  
Celes: Pulls a note out of the background  
Alucard: . I don't think your supposed to do that.  
Celes and Alucard: Stare open mouthed upon the stage  
Integral and Walter: Are doing the singing  
Integral: Steps off the stage Not one word Alucard.  
Celes: Is trying to eat the note  
  
Hellsing gang: Are walking to their hotel room for the night  
Alucard: Master do you think I could get something to drink?  
Celes: Yeah I haven't had a bite since last Wednesday.  
Integral: Sorry but I can't unleash the two of your on an unsuspecting city,  
but I suppose if we find any really annoying baka's () you can help  
yourselves to them.  
Random Baka A: Look at all the people dressed up like freaks! What are they  
doing it for anyway?  
Random Baka B: Meh, It's that convention. The one about all that cartoon  
crap. ()  
Alucard and Cele: Grin evilly  
-Several Bakas later-  
Alucard: Burps Oh I love this city.  
Celes: Yeah me to.  
() Baka: For those of you who don't know this is Japanese for fool or  
idiot.  
() Based on real conversation I heard walking around the city, the  
language has been watered down so I won't have to change the rating on the  
fic.  
(As a note I live close to Baltimore city where the convention is held and  
reserve the right to insult the random bakas who live within it.)  
  
Celes: Is reading Excel Saga  
Integral: Is reading Revolutionary Girl Utena  
Alucard: Is reading Berserk  
Walter: Is reading Gundam Wing  
Anderson: Is reading Dante's Inferno, the Manga edition  
Everyone: Stares at Anderson  
Anderson: What?!  
  
Random guy: goes up to Integral Excuse me Sir, do you have the time.  
Integral: Certainly it's 3:30  
Random girl: Sir do you know how to get to the Video game room?  
Integral: Go across the street and head downstairs.  
Celes: Sir, Sir, Sir! What on earth did you do before you became a knight of  
the round table?  
Integral: I dressed like a girl.  
Celes: 00 Now there's a scary thought.  
  
Kandeada: TETSUUOOOO!  
Aya: TAKATORIIIIIIIIIIIIII!  
Integral: ALUCAAAAARD!  
Alucard, Tetsuo, and Reiji: Are all sitting down reading manga while  
wearing earplugs  
Celes: Hey do you guys have a spare pair?  
Alucard: Hands her some (Assuming he heard her thru telepathy)  
(To fully appreciate this joke you will have had to seen Akira and Weiss Kreuz)  
  
Alucard: Is walking down the hallway  
Fat guy dressed as Alucard: Walks past  
Alucard: -- Keeps walking  
Really old guy dressed as Alucard: Hobbles by  
Alucard: Grr  
Really Dorky guy dressed as Alucard: Walks past  
Alucard: THAT DOES IT. A curse of misfortune to the next person I see  
dressed like me!  
Celes: Kuwai!  
Seven year old chibi dressed as Alucard: Runs by with Celes in hot persuit  
Alucard: Feh, close enough I guess.  
  
Integral: Our mission: Search and Destroy!  
Walter: To slow, far to slow! Ghouls are useful but I have fought against  
the true armies of the undead.  
Alucard: Releasing control lock to level 2...level1...Cromwell approval now  
in effect.  
Celes: Sniff I want a cool quote too!  
  
Alucard: I'm telling you Walter all vampires are pure evil.  
Walter: I disagree, at least some of you have good deep down inside.  
Alucard: HA! Prove it!  
Celes: Walks up Master can you teach me to turn into a puppy? I wanna  
play with the chibies.  
Walter: Snickers  
Alucard: --  
  
Delivery guy: Brings a HUGE cake to Integrals table Well here you are Miss  
Hellsing, one five by five foot cake.  
Integral: Thank you.  
DG: Out of curiosity what do you need a cake this big for anyway.  
Integral: A friend of mine is having a birthday. He's err...quite old you  
see and the entire cake will be covered in candles.  
DG: Geez forgive me for saying so but your friend must be ancient.  
Integral: Oh don't worry he'd take that as a compliment.  
DG: But aren't you supposed to make each candle worth ten years or  
something. That would make it much easier.  
Integral: What do you mean? Each candle DOES represent ten years


	7. Chibi Hellsing Moments Chapter 7

CHAPTER 8  
  
Alucard: Goes into Integrals office  
Integral: Shoots him  
Alucard: -- Leaves  
Celes: What was that about  
Alucard: She in her Premeditating Murder State.  
  
Integral: Alucard! Get in here!  
Alucard: What is it?  
Integral: I know what you did.  
Alucard: I do a lot of things. Which one are we speaking of now?  
Integral: You know very well that you (Insert random thing Alucard would do  
to tick her off here)( Sorry but I'm lazy)  
Alucard: Oh that.  
Integral: Yes that. Sigh I'm afraid I can't let this go unpunished  
Alucard.  
Alucard: Grins Oh? Your going to punish me? What are you going to do? Hurt  
me? Or perhaps fire me from Hellsing?  
Integral: Grins No I had something a it more...interesting...in mind  
-Later-  
Alucard: In the front entrance hall of the Hellsing Mansion in front of all  
the soldiers there You put your right leg in, you take your right leg out.  
You do the hokey poky and you shake it all about. That's what it's all  
about.  
Celes: I can't believe she's making him dance like that in front of all  
those people.  
Walter: Remind me to never get on Integrals bad side.  
  
Walter: Miss Celes could you bring the Halconen to me for a moments. There  
are some upgrades I would like to make on it. Don't worry I won't take long.  
Celes: Oh sure Walter. Goes and get's the Halconen from her room. Here you  
are. Gives it to him  
Walter: Is dragged to the floor by the weight of the gun  
Celes: ;; Oh sorry I keep forgetting how heavy it is to most people.  
Walter: Straining to lift the gun No problem, could you just give me a  
hand though.  
Integral: Walks in What's all the noise about.  
Walter: I'm trying to move Celes's gun to my workshop.  
Integral: Oh why didn't you say so. Here let me help Picks up the gun case  
and walks away with it  
Celes Walter: 00  
Celes: Does she scare you right about now?  
Walter: Yes.  
  
Alucard: During a fight with a random vampire Releasing control lock  
restriction to level 2...level 1...  
-A piece of paper appears out of no where and flutters down to him-  
Alucard: Catches the paper and reads it Dear Mr. Alucard. Your request for  
a control lock release has been denied. We are sorry for the inconvenience  
however at the moment we are unable to process your request. Feel free to submit your request again at a later time.  
  
Alucard: Alright priest before we fight I need to know one thing.  
Anderson: What's that?  
Alucard: How is it that your fangs are longer then mine.  
Anderson: Shrugs I had a dental problem as a kid.  
Alucard: Oh I see! So you were a little walrus boy!  
Anderson: No!  
  
Alucard: Is walking around the tower of London shooting random FREAKS  
Incognito! How long must I play with your pathetic golems?  
-Lights start to flash in one of the rooms-  
Alucard: INCOGNITO! YOU FORGOT TO PAY YOUR !#$& ELECTRIC BILL AGAIN DIDN'T  
YOU!?  
  
Integral: Goes into a video arcade and walks up to the obligatory shoot the  
mutated zombies game In the name of god... Picks up the toy gun Impure  
souls of the living dead...Puts in a quarter Shall be banished into  
Eternal DAMNATION! Goes berserk as she utterly wastes every zombie on the  
screen  
Alucard: Watching her from a few feet back 0.0 Whoa she's scary...  
  
Walter: Is sitting with Celes eating Lunch  
Celes: Hey Walter what would you do if Alucard did turn Integral into a  
vampire?  
Walter: Hmm that's an interesting question.  
Celes: Yeah I mean if Integrals his master, and Alucard became her master...  
Walter: Yes I see where your going, it would be a master paradox. You can't  
be the master of your own master.  
Celes: Nods  
Walter: 0.0 But if Alucard became Integrals master then he would run  
Hellsing.  
Celes: Err I don't really think so but...  
Walter: But what if the two of them had a kid. Grabs Celes by the shoulders  
and starts to shake her Would the child be a vampire, could it lead  
hellsing, can Hellsing be run by a vampire? What if that child will be on  
it's way soon? I mean Integral and Alucard have been getting kind of close  
lately.  
Celes: Has been shaken senseless  
Integral: Comes up behind Walter and whacks him over the head with a giant  
Hellsing mallet that even has the patented Hellsing chibi bat on it  
Alucard: Comes up behind Integral and wraps his arms around her He was  
right about us you know.  
Integral: -- Whacks him on the head with the mallet  
  
Anderson: In the crowd watching the fight between Incognito and Alucard  
This is SO much better then cable!  
  
Integral: Goes outside to see that the Hellsing Mansion is buried in snow  
Well now this is nice  
Celes: Is in the yard with Alucard making snowballs  
Alucard: Hey police girl watch this. Throws a snowball at Integral  
Integral: Turns around and glares at the snowball as it flies towards her  
Snowball: Stops a foot from her face with the sound of a screeching car and  
then falls to the ground making little whimpering sounds  
Integral: That's what I thought.  
Celes: How does she Do that.  
Alucard: Shrugs Special Hellsing powers I guess  
  
Announcer: How does Alucard eat a Reases pieces?  
Alucard: Looks around What in the...Looks at a reases pieces that apears  
above his head What dark magic is this Turns into a Hellhound and devours  
the reases  
Announcer: There's no wrong way to eat a reases!  
Alucard: Who the hell are you...where the hell are you?  
Announcer: That is none of your concern.  
Alucard: Oh yeah? Disapears  
Announcer: Hey wait, your not supposed to be in here...no wait...get  
back...close those eyes....ARGHHHH  
Alucard: Shows up with some eyes opening up all over his coat There's  
no wrong way to eat an announcer.  
  
Alucard: Is looking over his new laptop computer Hmm  
Celes: Whatcha looking at master.  
Alucard: Integral gave me this laptop, she says I ought to find a way to  
search it for random vampire activities on the web. Usually that's Walters  
job but she said that I ought to give it a shot with my magic.  
Celes: Alright, so if your supposed to be using your magic then why are you  
at Google.  
Alucard: Shrugs Walter said it's always a good place to start. I dunno  
why, but he always says that as long as you know what to type in you can  
find out just about anything.  
Celes: So what are you going to look for?  
Alucard: Hmm Thinks I have it Types in "Getting bigger guns"  
Celes: 0.0 Err master I REALLY wouldn't do that if I were you.  
Alucard: Why Clicks on one of the links and stares at the site that comes  
up  
Celes: Winces Err that's why...  
Alucard: Falls over in his chair with his eyes bloodshot and wide  
Celes: Sigh I tried to warn you.  
Alucard: That's not what I meant and they know it!  
  
Walter: Hey Alucard could you do me a favor.  
Alucard: Why should I?  
Walter: -- Because I know who raided Sir Integral and Miss Victorias bra  
drawers the other day.  
Integral: Kicks in Alucard door THAT WAS YOU!  
Celes: Behind Integral Master why would you do such a thing.  
Alucard: ; Sweatdrops and points to his new homemade water balloon  
cannon.  
  
Rip: Walks onto a stage Hello everyone to vampirism 101. Today I will  
show you how to make ghouls.  
Class in audience: Takes out little notebooks  
Rip: First of all you need a human. For this exercise today I have grabbed a  
random baka who is of little of no value to society.  
Baka: Durrrr anime is stupid cus it's a cartoon and it's just porn anyway.  
Rip: -- Ladies and gentlemen of the jury I rest my case. In any event your  
first course of action is to drain the human of blood.  
Baka: Huh? What?  
Rip: Bites  
Audience: Takes notes  
Rip: Finishes and wipes her mouth This leaves you with both a full stomach  
and a near lifeless corpse. You then feed the half dead body a bit of your  
own blood. Just a few drops to keep it running. Otherwise you might end up  
siring a new vamp. Remember it's up to you to raise your fledglings. We'll  
talk about that in our next embracing ed class. Bites her finger and wipes  
it on the ghouls lips  
Ghoul: Uhhhhhh  
Rip: MWAHAHAHA and now arise! ARISE MY UNDEAD SERVANT!  
Ghoul: Stays lying on the floor Uhhhh  
Rip: -- I said arise you worthless sack of undead flesh.  
Ghoul: Mmm five more minutes  
Rip: I SAID GET UP NOW.  
Ghoul: Clings to Rips leg I don't wanna go to school today.  
Rip: -- Tries to shake the ghoul off while she addresses the class Well  
that's all for today. Next time we'll discuss creative ways to relieve  
stress by destroying Ghouls. Goodbye everyone.


	8. Chibi Hellsing Moments Chapter 8

CHAPTER 9  
  
Paul: Is lying on the stone table with blood drops falling down on him  
Incognito: Your name?  
Paul: Paul  
Incognito: Do you want to live.  
Paul: Yes of course  
Incognito: Do you want to live forever?  
Paul: Forever...I don't know...  
Incognito: Do you want to be perfect?  
Paul: Yes. I want to be perfect.  
Incognito: Do you want your pants?  
Paul: HELL YES!  
  
Integral: -On a commercial- Hello, how many times has this happened to you?  
-Scene switches to Alucard and Celes-  
Alucard: Do I REALLY have to say this?  
Integrals voice: Yes.  
Alucard: -- Roar! I am a big scary vampire. I am going to bite you!  
Celes: -- Oh no! Whatever shall I do! Please do not hurt me mister vampire.  
-Scene switches back to Integral-  
Integral: If this scenario looks familiar to you or if you or someone you  
know has been bitten by a vampire please call out toll free number and our  
highly trained specialists will arrive at the scene shortly to peacefully  
and non-violently deal with the situation. Just take a look at our well  
prepared staff.  
-Scene switches to Alucard-  
Alucard: Is laughing maniacally and loading his guns  
-Scene switches back to Integral-  
Integral: ;, Please pay no attention to the psychotic man in red. Here's  
one of our REAL top specialists  
-Scene switches to Celes-  
Celes: I used to be just a random police girl until I was attacked by  
vampires one night on the job. Hellsing agents took care of the situation  
and even found me new work since my unit had been destroyed.  
-Switch to Integral-  
Integral: See another satisfied customer! So if vampires come calling  
just call 1-800-Hellsing. Again that's 1-800-Hellsing.  
  
Celes: Master what are you doing?  
Alucard: Playing Lemmings.  
Celes: What?  
Alucard: Lemmings. You know the game were you make the little people build  
their way up really high only to fall off a cliff or into lava or something.  
Celes: First of all I know what Lemmings are but your not supposed to MAKE  
them die.  
Alucard: Your not.  
Celes: No!  
Alucard: Looks at the line of ghouls he's been magically causing to walk  
off a cliff...yeah...well...this is the vampire version of Lemmings  
Celes: -- Right.  
  
Incognito: Bites Integral on the ear  
Integral: -- Oh wonderfull, I've always wanted pierced ears.  
Incognito: Starts to suck her blood up in a long stream  
Kain from LOK: Comes up behind Incognito and knocks him upside the head  
That's my trick you #$  
  
-Paul and Celes and sitting in Sex ed class-  
Teacher: Can anyone tell me the best way a male can prevent a female from  
becoming pregnant?  
Paul: Raises his hand  
Teacher: Yes Paul.  
Paul: Drain her of blood to the point of death during intercourse.  
Teacher: -- No. Celes can you please tell the class the correct way to deal  
with a person who has Paul's approach on things?  
Celes: Feed him Halconen shells.  
Teacher: Correct. Please demonstrate.  
Celes: Okay! Gets up and shoves a Holconen shell into Paul's mouth  
Paul: MMMHPH Blows up...again  
Teacher: Very good Celes.  
  
Alucard: Is looking over a blueprint labeled "Integral Trap"  
Celes: Comes up behind him What on earth are you doing master?  
Alucard: I'm setting a trap for Integral. Once I catch her she'll HAVE to  
let me bite her.  
Celes: Uh huh...you do realize that this plan will never work right?  
Alucard: Oh I think it will.  
Celes: Fine suit yourself. I'm going to be in the bomb shelter to be safe  
when your plan goes horribly wrong. See you later.  
Alucard: Uh huh yeah right bye.  
-Later-  
Integral: Steps out of the Hellsing Manor and goes for a walk  
Alucard: Is sitting on a huge acme rocket and lighting the fuse  
Integral: Looks around at him Alucard what are you...  
-The rocket ignites and Alucard flies towards her on it-  
Alucard: Ha I've got you now!  
Integral: Makes the road runner bleep bleep sound and runs off in a trail  
of smoke  
Alucard: Flies after her  
Integral: Sidesteps and the rocket flies right past her  
Alucard: Flies into the Hellsing silver and holy water storage building  
-In the hellsing bomb shelter-  
Celes: Is playing checkers with Walter when the whole building rocks with a  
vampire on silver explosion  
-Back on the surface-  
Alucard: Charred and smoking he climbs out of the wreckage of the storage  
shed  
Integral: Runs up and stand in front of him Bleep bleep  
Alucard: Reaches his arm out for her  
Integral: Bleep Bleep Runs off again  
-A crack appear right in front of Alucard, a moment later he and the section  
of cliff the storage shed had been built on plunge down a canyon  
Alucard: Get's smaller and smaller with a whistling sound as he falls until  
he lands on the canyon floor with a thud  
Integral: Goes over to the cliff edge and looks down Comfy?  
Alucard: I hate you!  
Integral: Oh here let me help you with that. Goes off  
Alucard: -- This won't end well.  
Integral: Comes back carrying a silver Acme anvil and drops it over the  
cliff  
Alucard: -- Yeah look like I was right.  
-In the bomb chelter-  
Walter: Takes a piece out of a Jenga tower just as the room shakes again  
Oh dear I was winning to.  
  
Celes: Comes into Integrals office Excuse me Sir Integral but I was  
wondering. If you handle vampires all night and take care of politics and  
social matters during the day when do you actually sleep?  
Integral: Err Hides her 742nd cup of coffee behind her back Oh I manage  
somehow  
Celes: Uh huh...  
-Later-  
Integral: Is actually catching a small catnap  
Alucard: Appears behind her And now that she's FINALLY gone to sleep I'll  
help myself to a little snack. Bites Integral and takes only a little of  
her blood Hmm coffee flavor blood (Yes I know that technically he's never  
tasted coffee but work with me here people)  
-In Celes's room-  
Celes: Is sleeping  
Alucard: Appears and grabs Celes out of her bed and starts talking a mile a  
minute  
!  
Celes: Master what the hell is wrong with you.  
Alucard:  
Idon'tknow.Ifeelkineoffunnyandbuzzy.Ithinkmycellsarestartingtovibrateapart.  
Celes: Err I know your clinically dead and all but I think you need medical  
attention.  
Alucard:  
NonsenseIfeelgreat!Ihaven'tbeenthiswayinages.WowIthinkmyheartactaullyjustbeat!  
-Later-  
Integral: Is poking an unconscious Alucard What happened?  
Celes: He just showed up acting really weird and then he just grabbed his  
chest and collapsed in cardiac arrest.  
Integral: But he's already dead!  
Celes: Yeah well you know what they say about your coffee being able to wake  
the dead and all.  
Integral: It's not THAT strong!  
Celes: -- What's your water to coffee ratio?  
Integral: One part water/ Thirty thousand, nine hundred, and eighty-six  
parts coffee of course.  
Celes: So Basically you dump a ton of coffee in the machine and run one cup  
thru?  
Integral: Yeah what's wrong with that?  
Celes: You need to be careful who get's at it. I mean just look at master!  
He's gotten shot to goo on the floor of the tower of London with silver  
bullets and still come back to life. Now your coffee's finished him off poor  
guy.  
Integral: -- I'm sure he'll wake up...eventually...I hope...


	9. Chibi Hellsing Moments Chapter 9

Chibi Hellsing Moments Chapter 9

Insurance Salesman: Well it looks like everything is in order.  
Random Hellsing Soldier: Oh good. So you'll recommend me for approval of the insurance policy.  
IS: Yes your report is actually very impressive. Just one last question. Just a formality. You have your occupation listed as "military." Can you be more specific. Are you in a particular division?  
RHS: Yes I work with the Hellsing agency.  
-Click-  
RHS: Hello?....are you there? Hello?...!# That's the third time this week.  
  
Integral: So...how much wood could a wood chuck chuck is a wood chuck could chuck wood.  
Alucard: That depends, is it a vampire woodchuck.  
Integral: Hmm I see your point. Vampires can't eat and wood chucks can't chuck wood. But assuming that chucking wood is related to eating wood then a vampire woodchuck would have a chucking ability in the negatives. Since wood chucking obviously destroys the wood in some way then a vampire woodchuck would actually create wood. But a surplus of wood in such a manner would throw off the entire world ecosystem. In fact it goes against the laws of physics itself. My god, the vampire woodchuck must never exist. Grabs Alucard by the shoulders You've never bitten a woodchuck have you? HAVE YOU?!  
Alucard: Noooo!  
Integral: Oh good. Then why did you mention the vampire woodchuck?  
Alucard: Cause...you know...vampire woodchucks seemed cool... --;;  
  
Integral: Wakes up and falls out of bed --; Ow. Goes down to the kitchen A cup of tea, something very strong if you don't mind.  
Walter: Of course Sir Integral. Pours her some tea  
Integral: Thanks Is about to take a sip of the tea when a large explosion in the training ground causes her to spill it all over herself o.o Hot!  
Walter: Are you ok. Helps her blot her uniform dry  
Celes: Opens the door Is everyone ok, sorry one of the Halconen shells went off on it's own. The door bumps into Walter who falls forward onto Integral and tear her shirt sleeve off  
Walter: Oh dear, I'm so sorry.  
Celes: ;; Oops sorry.  
Integral. -- It's alright. I'll just go back upstairs and change. Leaves  
Celes: . Bad day for her huh?  
Walter: Yup.  
-Later in Integrals office-  
Integral: Alucard!  
Alucard: Comes in thru the ceiling Yes?  
Integral: Are you familiar with Murphies Law?  
Alucard: Yes.  
Integral: I want you to find this Murphie and kill him.  
Alucard: But I think he's already...  
Integral: KEEEEL HEEEEM!  
Alucard: Right. I'll get right on that.  
  
After the Valentine Brothers attack-  
Integral: Looking at the ruined Hellsing house with rubble, bullets, ghoul dust, and blood all over the place Christ what a mess.  
Walter: Indeed, this would have fallen under the duty of our cleaning staff but...well they were wiped out in the attack along with everyone else.  
Integral: Can we hire new ones.  
Walter: Yes, but keep in mind that it will be very hard to get a cleaning staff to clean up this sort of mess. The explanation of what happened to the other staff will not help to convince anyone to work here. I can't really blame them. I wouldn't want to work in a place with this sort of thing to deal with on my first day.  
Integral: Walter this WAS the kind of thing you had to deal with on your first day here.  
Walter: True, but I never had to clean it up.  
Integral: Ah. Well do we have ANY staff members.  
Walter: Of the people present at the attack only I and you were uninjured. Other then that we have the people who were dispatched that day and a few members who were on leave or vacation. Out of them only two were part of the cleaning staff. One cook who is currently working over time to keep everyone fed and one maid who normally worked in the laundry and hasn't had to do formal cleaning duty in around five years.  
Integral: I see. Well is there ANYONE else. Someone we over looked or perhaps an agency we could call to hire someone.  
Walter: There are no mercenary cleaning forces that I know of...though now that I come to think about it that might be a pretty decent idea. Other then that, yes all our staff has been accounted for. The only ones capable of work are you, myself, the two staff members I mentioned, Alucard, and Miss Victoria.  
Integral: Alucard and Celes...Hmm  
Walter: Sir...Integral?  
Integral:  
-Later-  
-Alucard, Celes, and a maid are standing in the hallway holding a mop, broom, and feather duster respectively-  
Alucard: --  
Celes: --  
Maid: . Scoots away from the vampires  
Celes: -- Someone just kill me now.  
Alucard: I already did, remember?  
Celes: Oh...yeah...drat.  
Maid: Faints  
Alucard: Nudges the maid with his foot ...I'm not cleaning this up too.  
-A random vampire is attacking people at night in a small suburban neighborhood.-  
Alucard: Shoots the vampire  
Anderson: Throws his swords at the same time  
Vampire: Dusted  
Alucard: What are you doing here priest. Not that I care about human laws but this is protestant territory.  
Anderson: When vampire heathens are prowling the night I'll send them to their final rest no matter where they are. Takes out another sword And you are one of the greatest vampire heathens I can encounter.  
Alucard: Fine by me. Pulls out his other gun It was a boring night anyway.  
-Huge Alucard vs. Anderson battle ensues. Clashes and bangs can be heard thru the whole neighborhood-  
-Inside one of the houses-  
Random High school student: Wakes up  
-Later in front of the Hellsing Mansion-  
Alucard and Anderson: Are huddled under blankets drinking blood and tea respectively. They are staring into space and shaking  
Enricho and Integral: Walk up to them  
Integral: Well Enricho here they are. Putting our differences aside for the moment. All I've been able to get out of them so far is gibberish about high school students. I haven't been able to make heads or tails of it.  
Enricho: Hmm. This is indeed perplexing. Father Anderson pull yourself together, what happened.  
Integral: Alucard you too, what's the matter. Tell me, that's an order.  
Alucard: Well you see we were fighting and making a lot of noise.  
Integral: I see...  
Alucard: And see it turns out that the one thing scarier then me and the priest put together is a mob of high school students who are woken up on the night before they have their final exams.  
Integral: ...in a strange...scary way that makes sense.  
( . Speaking from personal experience I truly believe this. I can never sleep the night before tests, even after a lot of stressful cramming.)  
  
Alucard and Integral: Are walking thru the mall  
Integral: Are you sure you sensed a vampire in here.  
Alucard: Yes it's a weak one, probably a fledgling. I'm not sure if it's benign or not but it's worth checking out.  
Integral: Well then where is it.  
Alucard: Stops for a moment ...over there points to the arcade  
Integral: Alright. Follows him  
-In the arcade-  
Integral: Well?  
Alucard: It's here.  
Integral: Looks around Is it common for fledgling vampires to show off or discover their skills by trying things that would be normally humanly impossible.  
Alucard: Yeah.  
Integral: Well then I just have one question.  
Alucard: What?  
Integral: If that is true then how on earth do you intend to find him in a room full of DDR players.  
Alucard: Looks over at the DDR machine . But...but... not even a vampire should be able to move like that.  
(I have the utmost respect for DDR players being as I am not to good at the game myself, though it is good for exercise, but I have to admit that I have seen my friends do tricks on it that I would regard as not humanly possible.)  
  
Celes: Hey Integral look what I got you Hands her a mood bracelet  
Integral: And why pray tell would I want one of these things. I make it a point not to let my emotions be known. So why would I want to have this thing and wear them on my sleeve?  
Celes: -- Ok look I'm sorry. I got it for me cause I always thought they were neat as a kid, but then I got back here and realized I didn't actually have body heat anymore so I figured that I might as well not let it go to waste.  
Integral: ...In most situations like this I would say it's the thought that counts but that doesn't quite seem right for this.  
Celes: Sigh Alright I'm sorry, still do you at least wanna try it on.  
Integral: Oh very well. I'm feeling calm anyway so it doesn't matter. Puts it on and the bracelet immediately turns an odd color Well what does that color mean?  
Celes: Looking over the color chart she got Hmm that color mean....reads...errr....ok that's just scary.  
Integral: What?  
Celes: Hands her the paper and points to the color on the chart  
Integral: Reading Are you nuts not even I can tell what Sir Integral is thinking. Looks up Very funny, Alucard made this didn't he?  
Celes: That's the scary thing, he didn't.  
  
Integral: Looks out the window of her bedroom 0.0 ALUCARD GET IN HERE!  
Alucard: Pokes his head in thru the wall I do not want to talk to you right now.  
Integral: Points out the window Let me guess, this has something to do with the armies of men and orcs that are duking it out...ON OUR FRONT LAWN!?  
Alucard: Yeah as a matter of fact it does.  
Integral: -- You have ten second to explain.  
Alucard: I have to do whatever you tell me too.  
Integral: What does that have to do with anything?  
Alucard: Master are you aware that you talk in your sleep?  
Integral: ...I believe Walter mentioned it once or twice. But I still fail to see what that has to do with any of this.  
Alucard: Let me put it this way. YOU ARE NEVER READING TOLKIEN BEFORE BED EVER AGAIN YOUNG LADY!  
Integral: o.o; ....  
Alucard: Walks out of her room mutter Makes me get up in the middle of the day to go off hunting for an orc army. Doesn't even appreciate how hard it is to find good orcs these days.  
  
Alucard and Anderson: Are fighting  
Alucard: Pulls the triggers on his guns but is out of ammo.  
Anderson: Looks thru his trench coat for another bayonet  
Alucard: Well it looks like I'm out.  
Anderson: Sigh Yeah same here.  
Alucard: Time out then.  
Anderson: Right  
-Both walk into a nearby store-  
Cashier: Hello welcome to McAmmo, may I take your orders?  
Alucard: Yeah I'll have the Lancaster Cross special with a side order of mercury ignition, hold the explosive rounds.  
Anderson: I'd just like a number six, you know the bayonet in hammerspace one.  
Cashier: You two want fries with that?  
  
Alucard: Is banging his head on a wall of Integrals office  
Integral: Could you possibly do that somewhere else.  
Alucard: No.  
Integral: Care to explain why?  
Alucard: There are some rather decent anti-vampire spells on the walls of this room. I find that when I want to bang my head on a wall this rooms walls give a rather nice smart that I can't seem to get from any other wall.  
Integral: Ah I see. Might I ask why the sudden bout of masochism.  
Alucard: It's that police girl I sired. I don't have any clue how she does it but I just can't seem to break thru her dislike of blood.  
Integral: But she's starting drinking hasn't she.  
Alucard: Yes but it's not enough. She drinks only a little when she's starving and even then spends days after words agonizing over it.  
Integral: It doesn't seem like you to worry so much about such a matter. I would have thought you would be more into survival of the fittest.  
Alucard: The care a sire has for their child is ingrained into all vampires. Beyond that I am not totally heartless. Beyond that Celes has developed an interesting little ability. She's actually able to live off of my energy. She doesn't realize it, and it doesn't hurt me to any extent but it's just....irritating....and it never stops.  
Integral: Hmm so this is what your like when your bothered.  
Alucard: --  
Integral: Alright, alright I do have an idea.  
Alucard: Yes?  
Integral: You vampires can only handle liquids in your system correct.  
Alucard: Yes.  
Integral: Well then do what Walter used to do to me when I wouldn't eat my vegetables. Hide them in something better tasting. Or in Celes's case something she has no moral problems drinking.  
Alucard: . Disappears  
Integral: Raises an eyebrow  
-Later-  
Integral: Looking over business reports .....Sigh How am I going to explain ten gallons of cheery syrup and a slushy machine as a business expense. 


	10. Chibi Hellsing Moments Chapter 10

Chibi Hellsing Moments Chapter 10

Wow ten chapters. I WAS going to do something special for this chapter. But I couldn't seem to stick with one plan and ended up doing two of three special chapter, none of which are done completely yet. It got to the point where I just needed to put in a normal update. Don't worry said special chapters will be coming and they will include, among other things, two holiday specials. So that is something to look forward to. In the meantime enjoy this normal chapter.

* * *

-In the scene where Alucard is fighting Anderson in the subway- 

Anderson: Rushes at Alucard with the sword in his mouth

Celes: God how could someone be like that.

What Celes is actually thinking: That is the LAST time I watch Monty Python before going on a mission.

* * *

Alucard: Walks past Walter 

Walter: Ah Alucard I haven't seen you in a while.

Alucard: Yeah I got Integral angry and she locked me in my room.

Walter: Ah what did she use this time? Holy water? Magic seals? A wafer on you coffin?

Alucard: Worse, duct tape.

* * *

Walter: Walks by Integrals office and overhears a conversation 

Celes: What about between Master and Walter.

Integral: Oh well Alucard definitely.

Walter: Eavesdrops

Celes: How about Anderson and Master?

Integral: I don't care what kind of skills that Paladin has Alucard is on top.

Walter: 0.o

Celes: Ok, ok what about Anderson and Walter.

Integral: Actually I think Walter would be under on that one.

Walter: Steps in Err sorry to intrude but what exactly are you talking about. I couldn't help but overhear.

Celes: Were trying to guess who's older between all you guys of unknown age and mortality.

Walter: ;;; Oh. My apologies but you sounded rather…odd out of context. Leaves

Integral...Is he gone?

Celes: Yeah, he just went down the hall.

Integral: Sigh How on earth did I let you get me addicted to this yaoi shipping and guessing who is seme and uke.

Celes: Cause both you and I saw what Masters face looked like when he ran out of that yaoi panel and you know this is probably the last thing in existence that still creeps him out a little.

Integral: Oh yes now I remember.

Dictionary (Why is it hard of a word to spell): Seme: In yaoi or sometimes shipping in general it refers to the dominant person in the relationship. It also refers to the person who is "on top" during copulation.

Uke: The passive/ submissive person in a relationship. It also refers to the person who is "on bottom" during copulation.

(Can you tell I am trying sooooo hard to keep this fic g rated.)

Note: See chapter 6 for reference.

* * *

Integral: Walter I've been hearing that you've taken on a few of the soldiers as your students. 

Walter: Yes Sir Integral that is correct. I noticed that a few of the new boys have a knack for the technique even if they don't have any skills developed yet. With a little training they'll be using garrots in no time. Is there any problem?

Integral: Oh no I think it's a good idea. I thought that was the reason that you've been hanging out in the bathroom as this time. I'll need you to take care of the shipping for this extra ton of dental floss you ordered though.

(Garrot: The proper term for the wire weapons Walter uses. I am sure on the name though I am not quite sure if that is how you spell it.)

* * *

Integral: Walter do you think my life is weird. 

Walter: That's a difficult question. By what society perceives as normal your very job in life is deeply rooted in what they would consider abnormal. So in regard to normal society I would say yes.

Integral: And in regards to the people I normally consort with not just common society.

Walter: Well were all vampire and monster hunters here so nothing that could be regarded as paranormally weird would count for us. After all we handle everything from demon summoning to the occasional rowdy band of Vaticans. Once you get to the point where you can call that normal I don't really think you can consider anything weird. At least not by our standard.

Integral: May I offer some evidence the contrary.

Walter: Of course.

Integral: Exhibit A: The penguin I found on my desk this morning.

Penguin: Wark! Flap Flap

Walter: Did Alucard come back from the mission Antarctica yet?

Integral: Yes.

Walter: Did you order him not to bring anything back before he left.

Integral: No.

Walter: Then I have to say that the penguin is entirely normal under those circumstances.

(Yes I know there is something about penguins and polar bears and them not living in the same place and one of those places one of them doesn't live is Antarctica but frankly I can't remember which it is and I'm just trying to be funny here to bear with me people. In other words I don't want six hundred people telling me I made a mistake and that penguins do not in fact live in Antarctica.)

* * *

Alucard: Walks into Integrals office burned and smoking, parts of his clothes are still smoldering. 

Integral: 0.o What happened?

Alucard: …Let me just say that when they say don't push the big red button the REALLY $&# mean don't push the big red button.

* * *

Celes: Is walking thru the mansion keeping her eyes on the floor 

Walter: Miss Victoria? Is there something wrong?

Celes: You could say that. Master is trying to teach me to use my sixth sense. He did something to it and now I'm seeing all kinds of strange things.

Walter: Strange things? Like what? Auras? Demons? What?

Celes: Everyone in their underwear actually…nice Spiderman boxers by the way.

* * *

-At the Vatican- 

Anderson: Hey Heinkel, let me get something straight. If Yumiko is wearing her glasses then she…well Yumiko and is all sweet and pious and all that.

Heinkel: Right.

Anderson: And when the glasses come off she changes to Yumie and goes into berserker mode right?

Heinkel: Yeah of course. You know all this by now Alex.

Anderson: Well yeah…but what happens if she put on a monocle?

Heinkel: …

Anderson: …

-Ten minutes later-

Anderson: Is splattered on the wall

Yumie: Is knocked out on the floor with a large lump on her head and her normal glasses back on.

Heinkel: Is stomping repeatedly on a monocle Alex that is the LAST time I listen to any more of your bright ideas.

-Meanwhile at Helling-

Walter: Hey has anyone seen my glasses? They've been missing for a while now.

* * *

Celes: Goes into a dark abandoned store room inside the manor, sets up a small portable TV and puts a tape in. Five seconds later the Muppet Babies appear on the screen God I can't believe I found these tapes. I haven't watched this show in ages. I'd die if anyone caught me in here. 

Alucard: Your already dead police girl.

Celes: Hair stands on end Master I was just ah…err… eh…

Alucard: Appears behind her with a bowl Popcorn?

Celes: 0.o;;

-Ten minutes later one of the meeting rooms of the Hellsing mansion is filled with Celes, Alucard, Walter, and half the Wild Geese. A broad screen projector is being used to play the tape on one of the walls.-

Integral: Is walking around the mansion….where the HELL is everybody?

-Muppet Babies theme song plays behind a closed door-

Integral: That sounds just like…but that couldn't be…pokes her head in the room o.o!!!!! What the?

Alucard: Hello Master, come to join us in the theatre?

Walter: Ah so you finally found us. I wondered how long it would take. I seem to remember you being quite fond of this show as a child.

Integral: Well yes maybe as a child but don't you think this is all a little immature and childish and…-- eh who am I kidding pass me some Milk Duds and a Pepsi.

* * *

-In the Hellsing manor kitchen- 

Alucard: Wrench.

Celes: Hands him wrench

Alucard: Uranium isotope

Celes: Uranium isotope.

Alucard: Pint of blood

Celes: Blood

Alucard: Steps back Well that should just about do it. Now let's plug this baby in and see what happens.

Integral: ALUCARD!

Alucard: Oh hi Master.

Integral: Alucard what are you doing?

Alucard: Experimenting!

Integral:….on the toaster?

Alucard: Yup.

Integral: And what pray tell did you DO to it.

Alucard and Celes: Look at each other

Celes: ;; We err…sorta forgot along the way.

Alucard: Though as far as we know it's not quite so much a toaster anymore since we put about half a radio shack in here.

Integral: Before you plug this thing in I have a few questions.

Alucard: Ok.

Integral: Question one: Will I have to feed it.

Alucard: Not as far as I know but I wouldn't be surprised if toast disappears from time to time when no one is looking.

Integral: Question two: Will it still make toast.

Alucard: Yes. Though as a side effect it might also devour your soul or solve the question to life the universe and everything. Were not sure which yet.

Integral: Question three: Please tell me you did NOT touch the large box in the entrance hall which has my new computer in it.

Alucard and Celes: Look at each other

-One day later-

Toaster: Has somehow been hooked up to a keyboard and monitor

Integral: Is typing away with a bit of toast in her mouth…..ARGHHH for the last time stop changing my desktop and screen saver to 42!

* * *

-Somewhere in Japan- 

Alucard: Has been reduced to nothing more then an eye filled puddle with a large mallet stuck in it

Integral: Now what did you learn today?

Alucard:…Japanese girls really DO carry giant mallets around with them and their strength IS increased beyond anything imaginable when they are naked in a hot spring.

Integral: And what ELSE did you learn.

Alucard: The little old wrinkled lady who is sitting in the corner of the springs out of the way has ninja skills and can kick my butt in under three seconds.

Integral: Good. And I would recommend staying inside while till you pull yourself together. The last thing you want is for them to see you when you bear any resemblance to a tentacle monster.

* * *

Alucard: Is in his transformed state and has two of his hellhound heads looking at each other 

Celes: Is watching him

Pip: What's going on here?

Celes: Master's holding staring contest against himself.

Pip: Oh…who's winning?

Celes: He is.

Pip: Ah…so…wanna place a bet. I bet that Alucard wins.

Celes:…I'll pass on that one.

Pip: ...

Celes: …

Pip:…

Celes:…

Pip: So where did the cute little puppies come from grandma?

Celes: Captain how much have you had to drink tonight?

Pip: Ya know…there's a REALLY good reason why Integral likes her tea so much.

Celes: Oh that, get Walter to give you a cup of her coffee. That will clear you right up.

Pip: I thought that whole coffee making you sober thing was a myth.

Celes: It is but I figure you should be back to normal again by the time you recover from the coffee.

* * *

Celes: Sees Helena in a dark alley HELLENA! 

Hellena: Stands up and wipes some blood off her mouth. Oh Child, this isn't what it looks like.

Celes: You…you bite her. And she was a just a little old lady. How could you.

Helena: Now listen Child. Don't you agree that a vampire has a right to protect itself just like any human would against an attacker that could do them serious harm.

Celes: But she's a little old lady, you're a vampire. What kind of damage could she do to you?

Helena: She make look innocent but she and her family have hunted me for generations.

Celes: Oh…are they some kind of vampire hunters after you for some kind of family honor or revenge?

Helena: You could say that but replace 'vampire hunter' with 'librarians' and replace 'revenge' with 'collecting a few hundred year over due books'.

* * *

(Hey it's me again. Just asking that you please let me know what you think. The reviews and comments you guys give me are what motive me and keep me writing CHM. So please give me your feedback. Even if it's a flame.) 


	11. Chibi Hellsing Moments Chapter 11

Chibi Hellsing Chapter 11

Here is chapter 11 and again it is just a normal update. I'm really sorry about the way this fanfiction has changed in that the action symbols are gone. I have utterly no clue how to put them in the fiction since seems to have removed most symbols from all the fanfictions. I can't even put in exclamation points anymore. In any event if anyone knows how to actually put symbols into fanfictions and have them appear in the finished product please let me know so that so that I can put my fics back into working order.

Celes: Hey Master you know how all the FREAK chips turn humans into mock vampires' right.  
Alucard: Of course.  
Celes: But aren't the chips still technically mechanical?  
Alucard: Yeah what's your point?  
Celes: What happens if we put them in a machine or something like that?  
Alucard:…has Integral gotten a new toaster yet?  
Celes: Yes.  
Alucard: Sooo…I grab the chips and meet you in the kitchen in five minutes?  
Celes: Sounds good.  
-Two days later-  
Integral: What's all this fuss I hear about the new toaster not working Walter? I mean honestly the way the cooks have been complaining you would think it was possessed.  
Walter: we haven't ruled that out yet.  
Integral: What do you mean?  
Walter: Well at first it was acting like a normal toaster. Which was all well and good, but since a few days ago there have been odd things going on with it.  
Integral: Define 'odd.'  
Walter: Well every time someone puts toast in it all that comes out is an IOU  
Integral- … and what has been done to fix it?  
Walter: So far nothing. Every time someone gets near it with a screwdriver it spins around and shoots pea soup all over the kitchen.

Integral: Walks into a dark alley  
Random Vampire: Walks out of the darkness Well if it isn't Sir Hellsing. So kind of you to visit my home. Of course you won't be leaving.  
Integral: Alucard I choose you! Throws a little ball at the vampire  
Alucard: Pops out of the ball -  
Vampire: oo What the…?  
Alucard: …  
Vampire: Falls over onto the ground pointing and laughing at Alucard  
Alucard- Look, I lost a bet alright.

Celes and Walter get into a car. Celes in the back with sunglasses on and Walter up front in the drivers seat  
Celes: I'm sorry to bother you like this Walter but I really need to get to my apartment right now and I can't drive myself while the sun is up.  
Walter: It's perfectly alright. Your home is on the way to the warehouse I was going to anyway. Turns on the car  
Celes: Hears something Hey Walter I didn't know you liked the Beach Boys. Could you turn the radio up a little if you don't mind.  
Walter: What are you talking about? The radio isn't on.  
Celes: Then why on earth am I hearing 'Little Old Lady from Pasadena?'  
Walter: I have no clue Floors the gas pedal and speeds out of the mansion parking lot

Integral: Gets out of her car in front of Vatican section 13 headquarters and walks inside yawning - Stupid jet lag, stupid Vatican meeting. Makes her way to Enricho's office  
-Later-  
Maxwell: Ah Integral, so good to see you again. I do hope you wiped your feet outside. After all we do not usually allow swine in the house of God. Though for you I suppose we have to make an exception.  
Integral: Grabs Enricho by the collar and holds his face close to hers Listen up Enricho there are some things in this world you do NOT want to mess with and one of them is me on jet lag. So how about you just shut up and get this meeting over with before I perform non-anesthetized surgery on your favorite parts via use of sporks.  
Maxwell: o.o Yes Ma'am.  
-Later-  
Maxwell: Finds Anderson slumped against a way Well at least your still in one piece. By the way what happened to the yellow roses I told you to give her?  
Anderson- Let's just say that I have the fiber part of my diet covered for a while to come.  
(Yes I know Integral is very OOC in this one but I really couldn't resist using that line. Actually it's a bit toned down from what I was going to have her say. You all can use your imaginations as to that.)

Celes: Walter I was looking around the mansion to get more familiar with it like Master told me to and I noticed something a little odd.  
Walter: There are many things in this mansion that could be called that. Could you be a bit more specific?  
Celes: Well I went into this one room that I thought was just another store room but it looks like there's a whole Buddhist temple set up in there and a bunch of ninjas walking around.  
Walter: Oh yes that's our housekeeping service.  
Celes: 0.o….let me see if I have this right, this place employs ninjas?  
Walter: Yes.  
Celes: As housekeepers?  
Walter: Yes.  
Celes: Who ever heard of ninja housekeepers?  
Walter: Well everyone. Haven't you ever seen "Mary Poppins?"

Integral: Walter could you please explain to me why our soldiers are bringing supplies into the large swirling vortex of infinite darkness that seems to have appeared in the side of the mansion?  
Walter: Well we got a large shipment of new supplies that need to be brought into the store rooms. But the only room have open right now is that annoying one that you have to go down five flights of stairs to get to. Besides that were still low on men so I had to call in these boys to do the job and they just got off their ship. Most of them reaching the end of their endurance, so I called in a favor from Alucard to have him link the outside of the mansion with the store room.  
Integral: Wait, you mean to tell me he can make any point link to any other point.  
Walter: Yeah. He showed it to me when we were in Europe. I'd suggest not thinking about the physics of it to much if you want to avoid a headache.  
Integral: Oh no I had some other…ideas…in mind.  
-At the Vatican-  
Maxwell: Anderson, just to be sure I am not mistaken in this but that door over there usually leads to my office, correct?  
Anderson: Aye  
Maxwell: And in all logic that door should always lead to my office, correct.  
Anderson: Aye.  
Maxwell: Well then do you have any idea why when I opened it today instead of leading to my office it has led to a strip bar, a zoo cage containing a small tribe of pygmy marmosets, and what appeared to be a point some three thousand feet about the Vatican city?  
Anderson: Raises an eyebrow and opens the door…well boss I got good news and bad news.  
Maxwell: What's the good news?  
Anderson: I dunno what was wrong before but this time the door does appear to open into your office.  
Maxwell: Oh, well that's good. What's the bad news.  
Anderson: Your desk appears to be buried under a ten foot high pile of marshmallow peeps.  
-Elsewhere-  
Integral: Is munching on a peep I love my job sometimes.

Integral: Is sitting at her desk reading over some papers  
Walter: Knocks on the door  
Integral: Come in.  
Walter: Walks in carrying some papers Err I have some rather...disturbing news.  
Integral: Walter, we both have a personal relationship with Alucard, what could be more disturbing then that?  
Walter Puts some papers on her desk This is a genealogy report one of the maids found hidden in some of your late fathers possessions.  
Integral: Yes what about it.  
Walter: Read line 117.  
Integral: Hmm this has my part of the family tree...o.o and apparently I have a twin brother!  
Walter: Yes and please take note of his name.  
Integral: Enricho Maxwell...  
-Three seconds later-  
Integral: Wakes up screaming bloody murder in bed...oh... it was only a nightmare...  
Enricho: Sits up in bed next to her Have a bad dream Hunny?  
-Two seconds later-  
Integral: Wakes up screaming in bed  
-Outside Integral room-  
Celes: So how many times are you going to make her do this Master?  
Alucard: How many have we done so far?  
Celes: I think this is the 37th.  
Alucard: I guess five more wake ups ought to do it. I think this time I'll make a guest appearance.  
-Back in Integrals dream-  
Integral: Wakes up to see Alucard sucking on her neck Alucard! What the hell are you doing!  
Alucard: But this is what you wanted Master.  
Integral: Well you know, come to think of it, I am glad to see you.  
Alucard:...You are?  
Integral: Yes there...there's something I just need to get out of my system.  
Alucard: Oh? Leans closer  
Integral: Yes and...I think that with you I can finally get some relief.  
Alucard: Well I am happy to be of service.  
Integral: Good. Pulls gun out of bedside drawer With all the nightmares I've been having I could really use some stress relief.

Walter: I'd like to clear something up. What is our policy on ghosts?  
Integral: Don't we usually refer complaints about them to that one agency in New York.  
Walter: Yes, but apparently they ran into some trouble and are out of commission at the moment. Should we send someone out to take care of the job in the meantime.  
Integral: Is there anyone in our agency who could take care of a ghost situation. I mean we take care of vampires, not angry spirits.  
Walter: Well Alucard can handle just about anything supernatural and I think that Miss Victoria could be of assistance if I modified her equipment a little.  
Integral: Raises eyebrow Well alright I'll leave this up to you Walter.  
-Later in Walters work shop  
Celes: Walter not that I don't appreciate you mechanical genius but is there any reason why your welding Masters guns and my Halcannon onto industrial strength vacuum cleaners.  
Walter: Looks up and takes the welding mask off Technically it's to equip you for your next mission...but unofficially I just want to see the look on Alucards face when he uses them.

Celes: Walks into Integrals room with Walter. She is carrying a video tape  
Integral: Looks up What is it?  
Walter: You remember how you were talking about how the budget cuts we've been experiencing were getting on your last nerve.  
Integral: I dimly remember such an incident occurring.  
Walter: Well apparently Alucard heard you and err...took in upon himself to make some money in more, shall we say, creative ways.  
Integral: Raises eyebrow I'm not going to like this am I?  
Celes: We think you should see this. Puts the video tape into a tv  
Tape: Uhh Oh yes.. Ahhh YES! (And other sounds of the like.)  
Integral: ...is that Alucard?  
Walter: Yes that would be Alucard  
Integral: Is that Alucard in an herbal essences commercial.  
Celes: Yes.  
Integral: I'm going to need some of your special tea for this one Walter.

Celes: Is walking thru Alucard's underground corridor home (- I so have to find an easier to type name for that place) Master? I need to talk to you. She comes across Alucards coffin Huh so that's where you keep this thing. Knocks on the coffin Master. Are you in there?  
Alucard: Comes walking down the corridor What do you want police girl? I was asleep. Something I do enjoy from time to time.  
Celes: Asleep? But you weren't in your coffin.  
Alucard: That coffin is my final home and resting place. I prefer to only use it in emergencies to keep it in shape. Most of the time I sleep in THAT coffin Points  
Celes: Notices another coffin in the corner and goes over to look at it 0.0 Wow I didn't know you could get cable TV installed in the lids of these things.  
Alucard: Yeah it's nice but my internet is a little screwy and I'm just about out of good video games.

Integral: Get's in a Helicopter with Alucard I wish I didn't have to attend this meeting in the States.  
Walter: I know, but still you never were one to shirk a duty. You won't be gone long anyway.  
Integral: I know, I'm not worried about the agency since you'll be running things but I still feel bad about leaving.  
Walter: Think nothing of it and do at least try to enjoy yourself while your away. I know you hate vacations but even you should be able to slip away for a little while to see some sights.  
Integral: Laughs Alright Walter I'll try. Turns to Celes who is standing by Walter Celes with Alucard coming with me your going to be the resident vampire here till we get back. I expect you to put your skills and powers to full use. That means feeding a little more then normal.  
Celes: Alright Sir I understand.  
Integral: nods Alright I'll see you all in a few days. She get's in the helicopter which lifts off and leaves a few minutes later  
Celes: ...She's gone.  
Walter: Yup...  
Celes: Have the men finished setting up the "While Integral's away were gonna play." party yet.  
Walter: I think so  
Celes: Race you inside. First one there get's the first batch of cotton candy.  
Walter: Deal.  
-Up in the air-  
Integral: Looking at a video feed of the Manor that she set up to keep an eye on things - I am SO never leaving again.  
Alucard: It's not that bad. I thought the hundreds of balloons they released into the air was kind of touching myself. Besides you know that this whole trip is going to stress you out. Now you have a good reason to blow your stack when you get back.  
Integral: ...  
-Back at the mansion-  
Celes: Walter did you get just get a weird feeling.  
Walter: You mean as if a thousand shards of icy terror had suddenly become lodged in my mind.  
Celes: That's the one.

That's all for now. Please let me know what you think and again if you know how to put symbols in the fanfictions please let me know. Also if it is not asking to much if you DO know how to put symbols in please contact me via personal e-mail rather then putting it in a review.


	12. Chibi Hellsing Moments Chapter 12

Chibi Hellsing Moments 12

Integral-Is sitting in the kitchen staring at the toaster and drinking a glass of water-  
Celes and Walter-Walk in-  
Celes: Sir Integra? What are you doing?  
Integral: I'm making sure nothing funny happens with this toaster.  
Celes: Ah.  
Walter: Forgive me for asking but I noticed that the coffee machine appears to have been thoroughly smashed up with a large blunt object and then thrown out the window. Do you happen to know how that came about?  
Integral: I did it. I decided that I'm going to give up caffeine and that was the surest way to keep myself on habit. Oh and I'd like you to switch my tea to decaf.  
Walter-Bows- Of course Sir Integral. I'll see to that right away. -Leaves with Celes-  
Celes: Walter don't take this the wrong way but an Integral without caffeine is an Integral who is more scary than normal and THAT is saying something.  
Walter: I know. But don't worry. Even if she gives up coffee and switches to decaf tea she'll still be getting it.  
Celes: How? Do you put keep-awake pills in the water supply around here?  
Walter: Oh no nothing like that...though that's a tempting idea. Your close though, I've been putting them in her tea for years now.  
Celes: Isn't that a bit...over the top. I mean drugging her tea...  
Walter: Oh she asked me to do it. It's just been so long she's forgotten. Mind you she was still writing in crayons at the time but I'm sure there's a loophole for that.  
Celes: ...Walter out of curiosity what exactly is IN the tea you make...and is any of it actually tea?

Celes-Is cautiously looking around the corner of a dark hallway then slowly making her way down it-  
Alucard-Appear just behind her- What are you afraid of police girl?  
Celes-Jumps about six feet in the air- Yaaaaa -Spins around- Master! Don't DO that!  
Walter-Right behind Celes- Do what Miss Victoria?  
Celes: o.o -Clutches her chest and falls to the floor-  
Alucard-Pokes her with his foot- You don't have a pulse anymore remember? It's very hard to experience any cardiac problems when you don't actually need your heart.  
Celes-Gets up- Oh right I keep forgetting that...wait how come I still have circulation if my heart doesn't work?  
Alucard: That's a good question and the answer is that...  
Hellsing Secretary-Comes over to the group- Walter do you happen to know where Sir Integral is.  
Walter: Take the hallway to your left all the way down and then take the stairs to floor three. She'll be in room 13.  
HS: Thanks Walter -Runs off-  
Alucard: ...and that's how your whole no pulse circulation system works.  
Celes: Oh I see it all makes sense now.  
Alucard: In any event what are you scared of? It doesn't do for a fledgling of mine to be afraid of dark corridors.  
Celes-Sighs- Ok I know this will sounds silly but I was watching a horror movie marathon the other night and I just can't keep it out of my head. And the really annoying this is that I'm not really afraid of them, I mean I'm a vampire now I know I could take on any horror movie character, it's just that they creepy me out to no end.  
Walter-Smiles- Oh you don't have to worry about horror movie villains Miss Victoria. Sir Integral took care of them a few years ago.  
Celes: ...say wha?  
Alucard: It's true. We still have the security tapes.  
Walter: You see most of the more famous horror movie villain do...or rather did actually exist. That's why you see so many sequels to their movies. Whenever one would get low on cash they would just sell their latest exploits to a movie company. The movie company directors really didn't have much choice in the matter and always went along with the whole thing.  
Celes: Well that explains a lot...most of it not comforting.  
Alucard: Well a whole group of them all got hired by some agency a while back to come here and take out Sir Integral while me and Walter were out on a mission.  
Celes: Wait...let me see if I have this straight. Sir Integral was here relatively alone and she had a whole chunk of horror movie villains after her...what happened?  
Walter: For a lack of better terms she kicked their butts. It turns out that they mostly relied on the people they were attacking not having any knowledge of the supernatural at all. Sir integral, who literally runs an agency around the disposal of supernatural troublemakers was able to take care of them easily.  
Celes: You're joking right?  
Alucard: Well if you want we could take you to the roof. That one possessed doll thing is still tied to the lightning rod up there.  
Walter: Or as Alucard mentioned you could watch the security tapes of the whole incident. That one gentleman in the hockey mask really should have learned that swinging a large blade around leaves ones privates open to kicks.  
Celes: ...Ok its official my life is weird...but oddly I'm not creeped out anymore. I will be having nightmares about Sir Integral though.

Celes-Is wandering around the mansion in a half starved daze. She eventually comes to the kitchen and notices a blood packet on the table- Oh I'm so hungry...maybe I should just drink the stupid blood it can't be as bad as feeling like this. -Notices the bag- Huh...I wonder if Master left this out for me...arggh I give up -tear the bag open and drinks the contents-  
-Three seconds later-  
Celes: ARGHHHHH  
-Ten minutes later-  
Alucard-Is rolling on the floor laughing-  
Celes: Walter I understand that some of the things you do around here for practicalities sake are a little odd but next time the soy sauce bottle breaks could you PLEASE find something else to put the rest of bottle in?

-Last scene of the Hellsing anime-  
Alucard-Offers Integral his blood-  
Integral-Smiles-  
Hellsing Director: And CUT!  
Alucard and Integral-Walks off the set-  
HD: Well Sir Integral this has bee a very successful first season of Hellsing.  
Integral: I think so too, though I think it was a mistake to deviate so much from the original work. In any event I look forward to next season.  
HD: Well yes about that. Me and my associates have been talking about it and were thinking we need to tweak Alucards role in the series.  
Integral-Frowns- Tweak?  
HD: Well were thinking that Alucard might have been portrayed as a bit too powerful in this first season. He's become a blatant dues ex machina. We're thinking of finding a way to creatively limit his powers so that the series doesn't consist of vampires showing up and Alucard shooting them. It gets kind of boring after a while and we want to keep our viewers curious as to what will happen next.  
Integral: Well I'm not sure Alucard will like it. But who cares about that. In any event you do have a point. What kind of 'creative power limitations' did you have in mind?  
HD: Well I and the boys in creative writing have been working on a few ways we could work that. I'll run a few of them by you and you tell me what you think.  
Integral: Alright.  
HD: Ok. Plan 1: At the start of the next season the millennium organization casts a ritual that will trap Alucard inside the earth. Integral counters this by giving five magic vampire hunting tools to five teenagers, each of varying ethnicities to keep the show PC, who will take care of most of the actual work. But should things get to tough for them they can combine their powers and summon Alucard from the earth for a brief period in order to save them.  
Integral-Sweatdrop- That's still technically a dues ex machine and I think it's been done before.  
HD: Hmm good point. Alright plan 2: A new uber-powerful vampire comes along and promptly kills Alucard, sending him into the next dimension. The new vampire then gives the Hellsing agency one year to prepare to fight him before he will come back and destroy them. Alucard in the meantime finds that the afterlife is actually a training ground for vampires and goes off to find a way to become powerful enough to fight this new vampire and then be resurrected just in time for the final battle.  
Integral: Err maybe I should hear the rest of your plans first before I make any comments.  
HD: Fair enough. Plan 3: Alucard is revealed to actually be a rather weak vampire. However when he drinks the blood of a vegetarian his strength increases ten fold and he is able to take on any challenge. We can even twist it around to make a statement about eating right.  
Integral: ...who was in charge of hiring the creative writing staff?  
-Three hours later-  
HD: Plan 398: Alucard is actually a prince from the moon. He receives an urgent call and must return to his home kingdom. But before he leaves he gives Integral, Celes, and three new female cast members' magical crystal-millennium-silver-tinsel-omni-ninja gems which they can use to turn into the Hellsing scouts: a team of super powerful magic vampire girls who fight in the name of God Queen and Country.  
Integral-Eye twitching and loading her gun-Celes-Sigh-  
Walter: What's the matter Miss Victoria?  
Celes: Well I've been reading up on some of that classic vampire literature that Integral suggested everyone look into and frankly it's getting on my nerves.  
Walter: How so?  
Celes: Well wherever I go people start annoying me about reading it. For instance I had this one coffee shop I really liked to read in. But ever since I started reading all this vampiric literature a lot of the people there have started bugging me. They start asking all these questions about vampires and they want to know if I think I AM a vampire. The catch is I don't think any of them even notice my fangs or eyes. They can't seem to get past the book. I mean I'm just reading a story and they act like I asked the bartender for a pint of his finest O-Negative.   
Walter: I thought you said this was at a coffee shop.  
Celes: .Err yeah coffee shop, right. In any event it's just annoying that I end up swearing up and down that "No I don't think vampires exist" and "No I don't think that I am a vampire." when it's actually the truth that they do exist and more then that I REALLY am one. -Sigh- Does that even make sense?  
Walter: Yes it does. Everyone in the agency has experienced it, that annoyance that comes from having to conceal or deny something that is part of your everyday life. You just get used to it after a while.  
Celes: Yeah I suppose I will. -Starts to walk away-  
Walter: Miss Victoria.  
Celes-Turns around- Yeah what is it Walter?  
Walter: Here at Hellsing we have strict policies about not harming civilians no matter how annoying they may be and even stricter policies about not letting them know about the existence of the undead.  
Celes: Yes Walter I know all that, don't worry I know how to be careful.   
Walter: However..there are utterly no rules against scaring the living daylights out of them.  
Celes: .-Smiles-

Celes: You know Walter I know I'm new to this whole vampire hunting thing over all but I never remembered anything talking about using flowers to fight vampires with.  
Walter: What on earth are you talking about?  
Celes; I just went down to the armory and a bunch of soldiers down there were loading flowers into cannons.  
Walter: Oh their just getting ready for the annual Valentines Day war we have with Iscariot each year.  
Celes: .. I know you all are an unorthodox lot but don't you think it's a little over the top to spend a day dedicated to love by holding a war.  
Walter: Nonsense. We've been doing this for years now. It's always the same. Both sides rig up some guns and hold a mock war of firing things like flowers and chocolates at each other. We take turns on where it's held. This year we go over to the Vatican and siege their base just like they did ours last year.  
Celes: And no one else finds something fundamentally disturbing about having a war involving the firing of flowers. I mean it sounds like something you would do at a protest rally but it just sounds ridiculous in this context.  
Walter: Look it's something that both Integral and Enricho thought up when they ended up drunk at a meeting one night and we've gone with it since. Frankly everyone cares more about the near infinite supply of free chocolate to care too much about the actual war.  
Celes: Well THAT makes sense...mind you it would make even more sense if I could eat chocolate.


End file.
